Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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