Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize