i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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