his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
His hands were made for my vagina.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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