Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
How's work?
Spinning.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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