i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Randomize
