If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize