How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
