My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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