shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize