I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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