there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
