I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
