If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
