Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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