Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
