Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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