At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
