I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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