He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
