White coat. Heels.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
