my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just threw up on my dentist
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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