just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
