The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
