Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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