I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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