3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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