I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
