I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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