My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
