I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
