I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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