exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
