i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
