Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
