you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
