god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
