Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
