her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
