Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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