if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
