Already got asked if we're dating
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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