I don't usually arrange sex via text message
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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