I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize