i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
