Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
