I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
