i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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