im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
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