remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize