dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
