remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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