My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
