Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
