I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
