Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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