There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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