You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
