OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
