I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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