M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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