i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
