im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
