I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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