You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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