I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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