I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
